To my daughter, Joy
by LardoufinetteFics
Summary: Years ago, Gillian had what she always wanted: a baby. A true family. But why, if she was so presumably happy, did she kill herself? Years later, her daughter is finally given a chance to understand her. Thanks to a letter...


To my daughter, Joy

Dear, dear love,

You are just being born and you already mean the world to me. Some people would say that it is normal, that it's because you're my daughter. I know, deep inside, that they're wrong: if you are so perfect, it only can be because you are holding, inside of you, both truth and happiness.

Oh, I can tell about truth, I've been lied to too much in my life not to recognize it. When they placed you in my arm, today, at the hospital, I felt I was done with lies. There wasn't any in the warmth of your cheek, in the blue of your eyes, in the purity of your smile. The way you made your little fists dance in front of my face made me realize how much you needed me: perhaps as much as I needed you.

Even if your birth was filled with pain, blood and fright, you will always be the most beautiful thing that happened to me. What were the odds, after all? Maybe I wasn't meant to see you grow, but I was the hell meant to be a mother. Your mother. Wow, two incredible little words that will always make me smile.

I have been trying to have you for years. I don't know how many (the math depresses me), but God that was long! I tried, hoped, failed and tried again. And I succeeded. I can barely put words on my happiness when I learnt you were there (and determined to stay!). These past eight-and-a-half months have been magical: it was me and you, sharing our lives. Of course your father was there. Cal. The love of my life. The one that gave me the strength to carry on, who believed in me even when I didn't. Who stood by me until the end. When he bent to kiss my chick (and yours), I could feel his tears. Mute tears of happiness and joy. No worry on his face as he looked at you. Pain and sick-worry as he looked at me.

I couldn't feel my legs, we both knew it was serious. That and the blinding pain in my right arm.

What you need to know, baby, is that, while you and I were driving to a doctor's appointment, that day, we had an accident. I was singing a song to you, I clearly remember, and you were kicking. The sun was shining, and the sky was blue. No clouds. The promise of an amazing day. Suddenly the silence was filled by the awful sound of a police car, and before I could see it, the noise of broken glass and the spinning of a hit car. I gasped in horror, and then in pain. Blood. Fear of dying. Fear of losing you. I would know later the police was chasing youth in a car. They were quite drunk and driving way too fast. And like that, life can be lost. For a pack of beers.

Then everything was rushed: I remember being at the hospital, your dad next to me. I remember the tests I had, and the delivery. I remember Emily, your sister, running to hug me, your godparents, Ria and Eli, waiting in the corridor. I remember the diagnostic: I would never walk again, and probably lose my right arm. While this doctor was telling me this, my gaze fell on you, sleeping tight, left out of this whole tragedy. You were so small, so innocent, that I knew what I had to do.

No matter what people say, I didn't do it because I was unhappy. No, it was my present happiness to have you close that made me chose so fast. You were pure and innocent, you deserved better than a disabled and useless mother. I know what it's like to grow up with a burden, an excuse for a parent. Trust me, nothing can be worse. You growing up with the memory of a loving mom is for the best. I wish I could have seen your first steps, your first day of school or heard your first words. I wish I could have hugged you after graduation or kissed you before prom night. I wish I could have been there today, or seen you walk down the aisle, and all of that. I wish I wouldn't be an empty seat. All I could do, as I looked to everyone, trying to convince them I was fine but actually saying my farewells, was trying to picture you older, to overhear what your laugh could be like. As they all left to let me "rest", I hugged you for the last time. I will keep talking to you as I will feel life leaving my body and my eyes shut.

But I have to ask you one thing, baby. Tell them the truth: do not let them believe I loved them any less or I was not happy. Tell your godparents to carry on in life, and not to be afraid of love: they are meant to each other, help them to see that. Tell Emily, my beloved stepdaughter, that I always loved her as my own, and that my love for her will "always remain in the stars of sky" (she'll know what that means). Tell your dad how much I love him, and not to live with shadows of the past any longer. Tell yourself that you are the best thing I did in all my life, and that, no matter where you are or what you do, I will always be proud to be your mother. I love you all so deeply you can hardly imagine, and I am so sorry for putting the five of you through all this. But, if you'd see it through my eyes, you'd know how hard it had been to make this choice, but also how happy I left.

I love you more than you can imagine, and I miss you so much. Even if I can't hold you tight now, please know that I will never stop looking after you.

I love you,

Mommy


End file.
